Books For Blasphemers: The Torah (Part 1)

Call it the Torah, the Pentateuch, the Five Books of Moses, whatever. You've probably never read it. Here's my rhyming guide to what you're missing:

GENESIS

Once there was absolute nothing
Which God thought would be cool to put stuff in
Let there be light
So's I see what I smite
Hmmm that Adam could sure use some muffin

Soon after Ol' Abe's foreskin fell
He yanked Isaac from dry Sarah's shell
Cheer the Ark's one pot screamer*
And Joseph the dreamer**
Plus, there's plenty of shagging as well***

(* That's Noah, folks, who got drunk, fell asleep naked and then got totally hazed by his kids)
(** I have resisted the temptation to search for words or phrases that rhyme with Andrew Lloyd Webber)
(*** I would have liked to use the word "beget" a number of times here but just didn't have the syllables)

EXODUS

Here's Moses, the champ of our Bible
The dude what don't need no disciples
He just talked to a bush
Gave his ego a push
And fronted the king of the Nile

Killer plagues freed the slaves from their capture
And the split seas had Pharoah in rapture
Then a whole lot a lawin'
Made my barmitzvah* boring
Thank God it's the end of the chapter

(*Jews with any knowledge of their religion may substitute the word "Parasha" here)

LEVITICUS

Forty-odd pages of riffing
On rules and punishment for sinning
Even those folk most anal
Would find it too banal*
And probably rather worth skipping

(* To be read in rhyme with 'anal', apologies to the pronunciation pedants out there...)